I am alive!!

Sorry guys, yesterday was crazy busy! So I didn’t get to post! I will post tonight after dinner FOR SURE, with PICS!
have a great day everyone!


December 17, 2008 at 1:19 pm Leave a comment


Hey guys – if you have any more personal questions for me (relating to who I AM, not who ED is), I have an email set up now.
(easy enough eh?)

I’ll be posting tonight!

December 16, 2008 at 1:20 pm Leave a comment

Fa Fa Fa Feeeeeeelingsssss

Well, dinner is not quite going as planned. I had intended to make AND eat a beef chili – I wanted lots of leftovers for my fiancee and I to eat on wednesday night when I have therapy after work and don’t get home until 7:45 (no time to cook!). Well, being that I was out of the office all day, and my meal plan was “off” I am still making it, but am not eating it tonight (the fiancee is out, so I can eat what I wish). I’m trying hard not to let ED win this battle, but it looks like he is 😦 The chili is bubbling away on the stove, but I’m eating a sweet potato, baked chicken, and cooked spinach for dinner (my “safe” meal). I mean, its still delicious, I love all three of those things, but I know it’s what ED wants to eat tonight, not me. BUT, I was successful in that I had a very ed-free day food wise. I had my regular oatmeal with almond butter for breakfast, a luna bar as a snack, and for lunch I had a (quite large) ace bakery walnut and raisin roll, with a cup of soup, and a piece of decadent cake. It was truly worth it (the cake that is). I was so proud of myself for eating it, and how I managed to push aside the guilt and just be content. Which leads me to my discussion of the day.
MY biggest struggle in recovery, and with my eating disorder in general, is that I hate feeling “uncomfortable”. I’ve been working on this issue a lot with my therapist, and we’ve come to the conclusion that, all though life I’ve felt uncomfortable. I had a miserable childhood, I was physically and emotionally abused through all of it, my mom was a drug addict, and my family riddled with alcoholics. Through my eating disorder, I learned how to make myself feel “comfortable” through food – I’m talking physically (emotionally too, but more so physically). I’ve come to a point where I do NOT like the feeling of food in my stomach. I DESPISE feeling full, and I love being hungry. When I am full, I am uncomfortable, and my eating disorder helps me control the uncomfortable feelings. I also hate being uncomfortable in all other respects, not food related, which I can use my eating disorder to deal with as well (i.e. getting out of uncomfortable situations where I’d rather be at home alone by ED telling me that I need to go and exercise, or eat my “own food”, if that makes any sense). Part of my recovery is learning to deal with feeling uncomfortable, both food related and not. I hate being full. I hate it so much. But I need to learn how to just “sit” with the feeling, and not go run it off the next morning.

Regarding “rules” – someone (in a post) said they have to drink a bottle of water before breakfast. ME TOO. I do it everyday, or I feel I won’t get my 8 glasses in. I know this is an ed habit, but is this a bad habit to break?

For those of you in recovery, what “ed-related” habit are you trying to break? (the hardest one the break that is!)

December 16, 2008 at 12:44 am 2 comments

Fighting the good fight

I need to snap out of my routines. They get in the way of life. I’ve been better with slowly breaking them, but they are still there, in full force. For example, in the morning I HAVE to have my coffee before my oatmeal. Two cups, on their own, before any food enters my stomach. Totally weird right? I think it’s an old ed-habit to push my meals just a LITTLE later so I can eat less throughout the day. Not good. I also have weird habits with stupid things like cooking my oatmeal, I start the timer on the microwave (no time in the morning, work morning, to do stovetop) for 3 minutes, even though it only takes 1 minute and 45 seconds, I do it anyways! When I was young I was diagnosed with OCD, it was pretty bad back then, but I got it under control with cognitive behavioral therapy and it’s pretty much out of my life (except for a couple quirky things it seems) – proof that therapy does work!! So yeah, perhaps that is more OCD than eating disorder related.
ED is in full force right now, and I’m fighting him with all I’ve got. He is trying to think of the lowest calorie things I can eat today, to avoid hunger, while with my client. Who CARES if my snacks are low calorie?? I need something to sustain myself! If it happens to be 300 calories versus 100 who gives a crap! That’s called normal eating.
So today’s plan….well I’m sitting here at my desk with my coffee, going to make my oatmeal in a few minutes, then off to work, where my meals will be random for the rest of the day! And that is ok. Dinner tonight is chili (mmm) if I get home in time to make it. I will for sure take a photo of that and post it this evening!! Have a great day ladies! 🙂

P.s – one thing I MUST say. I love Canada, I really do, but MAN we are missing out on some great products. All you americans get Fage, Oikos, Barney Butter, Chobani, pumpkin butter, all of this amazing stuff that we have NO access too! The only greek yogurt in existance here has 350 calories and 22 grams of fat per cup. Jealous!!

December 15, 2008 at 1:20 pm 5 comments

Not according to plan….but making it work!

Hey all! Hope you’ve all had a fantastic day. I did, for the most part! 🙂
I went shopping (alone, am most productive that way – but I know it’s also ed-related, as much as I love my girlfriends, I also isolate alot) for 3 hours and knocked a TON of christmas presents off my list – along with buying myself some william&sonoma pumpkin spice body lotion, a cute sweater from urban outfitters and a new pair of pj’s. I am so bad, must stop spending money! What happened to the me who had self control in the mall when I was in university, haha. Anyways, I did that for 3 hours, then my loving fiancee took me grocery shopping and I picked up all the necessities – unfortunatly not at whole foods, whole foods is one of the places we have decided to stop going too (gasp!) to try and save for our honeymoon. Sigh….

I was a bit hungry at the mall, and decided to treat myself, half because I wanted too, and half because I wanted to “test” ED. I went to starbucks (see a pattern here? love that place) and ordered a tall non-fat half sweet hot chocolate, and a buttery oat bar (oh those oat bars are to die for, but have 370 cals a pop). I drank all the hot chocolate, and had half the oatbar (gave the other half to my love). And I felt really good about it! no guilt! So I was quite pleased about that!
Some friends of ours (a couple) came over to our condo (did I mention my fiancee and I live together?) and hung out for a few hours, before I proceeded to make dinner. At the grocery store I picked up a “reduced fat” four cheese sauce for pasta – one of my “unsafe” foods, but slightly safer because it was reduced fat. Anyways, so I’m cooking away, boiling the pasta, cooking the chicken, steaming the broccoli (to mix it all together – ya see?) and decided to sample to cheese sauce while it warmed up. OH MY GOD, SINCE WHEN DOES FOUR CHEESE SAUCE CONTAIN BLUE CHEESE. I nearly lost my oat bar, I cannot stand stinky old cheeses like that, it was horrible. I had to throw it out, and then panicked cause my dinner was ruined and thrown off (ED panics when things don’t go perfectly) – so lovely fiancee ran down to the store across the street and picked up a tomato sauce. All was saved, and dinner turned out to be pretty good. No pics sorry! I was going to take one of the finished product but with all of the confuffle (yes, I’m making that a word) I forgot! Ekk! Will post pics tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow…I’m a little anxious, as I sit here in my new pj’s typing away. I am with a client all day tomorrow, which means my day is longer than usual, and my meal times (and what I eat) is out of my control. During the work week I generally eat at specified times, breakfast at 8:30, snack at 10:30, lunch at 12:30, snack at 4:00, dinner at 8:00. Well, when I’m with a client (out of the office) my meal times vary so much, there could be as much as a 6 hour window between breakfast and lunch with no snack! I really struggle with these days – and I wish I could just put it out of my mind for ONE day but I never can – I mean, what is more important, work or AN EATING SCHEDULE? When I was in university (and fully eating disordered, no desire for recovery) I always thought being in the working world would be so much easier, in terms of controlling my eating – being able to plan everything out perfectly because of the scheduled working day. Well, IT IS NOT LIKE THAT. And I must say, for my recovery, its a good thing! I NEED more days like this so I can learn to be normal – days where eating is out of my control is NORMAL, I need to embrace it and look to it as a chance to make myself stronger, and more capable of rising above ED and these ridiculous thoughts! And that, is exactly what I plan to do tomorrow. I’m also not working out tomorrow, because I am on my feet walking around from 9:00-roughly 6:30, only sitting for 1/2 an hour or so for lunch. So my poor body will be exhausted. However, on these days, I struggle with “eating normally” for I feel if I eat normally and DON’T run in the morning, I will become a big beached whale. Which I KNOW is not true, but its so hard to drill that into my head! Working on it though!! Baby steps….
Hope you all have a great sunday night (even though its 9:30pm)!

December 15, 2008 at 2:24 am 2 comments

What is it about mornings….

That makes me feel so damn in love with life! Honestly, I am pretty sure someone slips me ecstasy in my sleep, because I wake up so motivated to take on the world, and just so happy to be alive. Is anyone else like this?? As the day goes on…my motivation starts to dwindle (I like that word), but I’m still fighting hard!
I couldn’t shake the need to run this morning, so I did, 3.5 miles before sunrise. I feel good now, but I know that maybe it wasn’t a good idea. I’m working on separating working out for health, and working out because I ate too much the night before. Or at least, I FEEL like I ate too much (I know I never really do). Last night I didn’t “overeat” in my books, and worked out anyways, so maybe that is a good thing? I’ll have to go over it with my therapist.

One thing I really need to learn to cope with, is possible weight gain. I understand that if I start to relax on my running, and relax with my food, I MAY gain weight, and its a part of recovery. I have this fear that I’m just going to keep gaining and gaining and get completely out of control! I WANT to reach my happy weight, I really do, I just need to learn how to be ok with that. I know my fiancee loves me no matter what weight I am, heck he told me that he loved me 4 years ago when I was 20 pounds heavier! I know that weight is not the be all end all, but ED thinks it is. I AM BETTER THAN THAT. Unfortunatly, I work in a business where aesthetics and material things are of the greatest importance. The way I look, dress, and present myself to clients is very important, and any weight gain would surely be noted by my co-workers. No I don’t model, haha. However, having said that, I absolutley love my job, and have worked my little tush off to get to where I am, busting my ass in my undergrad studies to get the grades to go to grad school to get a masters, and then getting my dream job. So I won’t leave my dream job behind for recovery – I just don’t want it to hinder it either.

Something else that is bothering me. I’m getting married in…oh…let me think….7 months (haha just kidding I didn’t have to think about it!! Of course I know how many months, god I know how many DAYS!!) and I hate that all my thoughts are still eating disorder related, I should be thinking about and planning my wedding!! I should be MORE excited than I am, not controlling when-where-and how things are done so ED can have his way (aka, eat at certain times, so this meeting has to be at 5:30 opposed to 7, that kinda thing). AGH. But I am getting better! Working real hard! I also did a VERY good thing by ordering my wedding dress one size larger than I am. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS? Very hard. I told the seamstress and she flat out said “oh honey, most brides lose weight, you won’t gain any” but I resisted, she was putting up a bit of a fuss about ordering it one size larger, saying theres “no way I’ll gain weight” etc etc…that kind of bothered me.

Anyways, today I am doing MORE christmas shopping! Yay! (Probably shouldn’t do that after buying a car yesterday and all, but thats me, always shopping). I need a new pair of jeans, I bought a pair of J Brand skinnies 2 months ago, and, well, they are so tight now, which means I’ve probably gained some weight (trying to stay off the scale, it does NOT help with my recovery) – so I need to get a new pair that FITS. Scary, very scary, but I know that I need to keep going in order to recover. Have a great ED-free day everyone!


My morning coffee – totally addicted. No matter what, I always use a ton of cream. I’m sure I use at least 100 calories worth, but for some reason I don’t even care! It’s SO good.


And my daily oatmeal with almond butter – crappy photo I know, it also looks pretty disgusting once I look at it, all of you have such pretty oatmeal photos! I’ll work on that!

December 14, 2008 at 2:42 pm 4 comments

Too much or Too little?

pc1324352One of the things I really struggle with is trying to determine whether I’ve had too much, or too little, to eat each day. In terms of recovery, and “normal eating”, not ED-eating. I should probably point out that I eat a normal amount of calories each day (well, maybe? I have no idea really!!!) and do not “restrict” in the traditional sense, but just have rigid control over the TYPES of foods I eat. Most days I say I eat around 2000-2200 calories, although I like to aim for 1800 calories. Some days I eat 2500, and well, those are the days that I can’t help but run 5 miles the next day, whether I want too or not, and whether I have prior committments that day or not….sigh….

Heres what I ate today, I just can’t determine if it’s too much or too little!! I began to struggle with some serious ED thoughts after the muffin….but managed to keep the rest of the day relatively healthy, or so I think…

Run: 3 miles

Breakfast: 2/3 cup (dry) oatmeal with 1.5 tbsp almond butter, cinnamon, 1 cup of milk

Lunch: ww tortilla (200 calories), 3 ounces tofu (200 cals?), 2 tbsp hummus (80 cals)

Snack: starbucks apple bran muffin (while at the mall) (310 calories)

Dinner: 2 small glasses of white wine with my love, 5 ounce chicken breast stuffed with mushrooms and parmesean cheese, 5 mini red potatoes, 1 cup roasted green beans

Dessert: 1/2 chocolate dipped biscotti

I have no idea if that is eating normally or not. My therapist is AMAZING, but isnt much help in the nutrition department. I’d like to avoid seeing a nutritionist as I know I’ll just turn her advice into really rigid ED habits. Any tips?

Other than that. Today was a great day, my fiancee and I bought a new car (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I got a ton of christmas shopping done! Tomorrow I plan to go for a run and do MORE christmas shopping! I’m going to set up an email account for all of you, where if you happen to be interested in what I do for a living, where I live, all those details, you can email me 🙂

As soon as I figure out how to add photos, I will start showing you guys some pics of my daily oats, and other eats! Have a great night everyone! 🙂

Wait….I think I posted a picture of dinner cooking in the oven, but I’m not sure if it worked. I’ll find out once I post this I guess!

December 14, 2008 at 2:11 am 6 comments

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