What is it about mornings….

December 14, 2008 at 2:42 pm 4 comments

That makes me feel so damn in love with life! Honestly, I am pretty sure someone slips me ecstasy in my sleep, because I wake up so motivated to take on the world, and just so happy to be alive. Is anyone else like this?? As the day goes on…my motivation starts to dwindle (I like that word), but I’m still fighting hard!
I couldn’t shake the need to run this morning, so I did, 3.5 miles before sunrise. I feel good now, but I know that maybe it wasn’t a good idea. I’m working on separating working out for health, and working out because I ate too much the night before. Or at least, I FEEL like I ate too much (I know I never really do). Last night I didn’t “overeat” in my books, and worked out anyways, so maybe that is a good thing? I’ll have to go over it with my therapist.

One thing I really need to learn to cope with, is possible weight gain. I understand that if I start to relax on my running, and relax with my food, I MAY gain weight, and its a part of recovery. I have this fear that I’m just going to keep gaining and gaining and get completely out of control! I WANT to reach my happy weight, I really do, I just need to learn how to be ok with that. I know my fiancee loves me no matter what weight I am, heck he told me that he loved me 4 years ago when I was 20 pounds heavier! I know that weight is not the be all end all, but ED thinks it is. I AM BETTER THAN THAT. Unfortunatly, I work in a business where aesthetics and material things are of the greatest importance. The way I look, dress, and present myself to clients is very important, and any weight gain would surely be noted by my co-workers. No I don’t model, haha. However, having said that, I absolutley love my job, and have worked my little tush off to get to where I am, busting my ass in my undergrad studies to get the grades to go to grad school to get a masters, and then getting my dream job. So I won’t leave my dream job behind for recovery – I just don’t want it to hinder it either.

Something else that is bothering me. I’m getting married in…oh…let me think….7 months (haha just kidding I didn’t have to think about it!! Of course I know how many months, god I know how many DAYS!!) and I hate that all my thoughts are still eating disorder related, I should be thinking about and planning my wedding!! I should be MORE excited than I am, not controlling when-where-and how things are done so ED can have his way (aka, eat at certain times, so this meeting has to be at 5:30 opposed to 7, that kinda thing). AGH. But I am getting better! Working real hard! I also did a VERY good thing by ordering my wedding dress one size larger than I am. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS? Very hard. I told the seamstress and she flat out said “oh honey, most brides lose weight, you won’t gain any” but I resisted, she was putting up a bit of a fuss about ordering it one size larger, saying theres “no way I’ll gain weight” etc etc…that kind of bothered me.

Anyways, today I am doing MORE christmas shopping! Yay! (Probably shouldn’t do that after buying a car yesterday and all, but thats me, always shopping). I need a new pair of jeans, I bought a pair of J Brand skinnies 2 months ago, and, well, they are so tight now, which means I’ve probably gained some weight (trying to stay off the scale, it does NOT help with my recovery) – so I need to get a new pair that FITS. Scary, very scary, but I know that I need to keep going in order to recover. Have a great ED-free day everyone!

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My morning coffee – totally addicted. No matter what, I always use a ton of cream. I’m sure I use at least 100 calories worth, but for some reason I don’t even care! It’s SO good.

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And my daily oatmeal with almond butter – crappy photo I know, it also looks pretty disgusting once I look at it, all of you have such pretty oatmeal photos! I’ll work on that!

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Too much or Too little? Not according to plan….but making it work!

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. anna  |  December 14, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    I totally understand you honey! The process of buying new clothes with new sizes is the hardest part!
    But i’m also glad that my jeans are normal woman size not that unhealthy kids size i was wearing, i also put away all my skinny clothes because if i have it in front I’m always comparing myself with my skinny body and that doesn’t help for recovery at all.
    I also have a scale but i don’t weight myself anymore yay 🙂
    Yummy your oatmeal looks so good I have never tried almond butter ever! I’m from Mexico and peanut butter it’s not popular at all, we only have one brand but it has trans fats added so sad.
    Take care! ❤

  • 2. Jenn  |  December 14, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    I totally agree with what you said about mornings!! Mornings are absolutely my favorite part of the day… i love waking up slowly and refreshed and having an opportunity to start over and live a new day!

    I also definitely relate to your fear of excessive weight gain…when my ED enters my head it tells me that every extra calorie i eat will add weight and every second i don’t exercise will add weight… but then my reasonable mind visits me and tells me that your body just doesn’t work like that!!! it sounds like your an extremely active girls and have a great handle on the types of food that will keep your body healthy so just focus on responding to your bodies needs! When it needs more food, reward it with food, when it needs a break lay off the exercise a little bit. Easier said than done (trust me, I know!) You will NOT let yourself get out of control…your weight gain will be slow and beautiful … it’s great that you have your finance for support and I think planning for your wedding (congratulations!!!) will be a GREAT distraction from your ED!!!

    enjoy your christmas shopping =)! i’m doing the same today.. i hope the malls aren’t going to be too crazy!

  • 3. Laura  |  December 14, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    We are INCREDIBLY similar!
    I wake up every morning in the GREATEST mood! It’s definitely my favorite time of day, and I make sure that I wake up early enough to get the most out of it every day! My morning coffee also includes SO much milk, but it never seems to bother me when it’s in my coffee. So I understand your 1/2&1/2 thing!!

    Part of having an eating disorder is being afraid that you won’t be able to stop gaining…but that’s CRAZY! Let’s say you add 400 calories everyday. Yes, you will SLOWLY gain weight, however the more you gain, the more food you need to maintain. So of COURSE you will stop gaining!! I’m trying to gain weight as well, and it’s as hard as HELL. But I’m trying my best to trust my body to take care of itself, take the energy it needs and expend the energy that it doesn’t.

  • 4. Kiki  |  December 15, 2008 at 1:16 am

    Hey, I just found your blog and I love it already. I can relate to you so much! Especially about being afraid to gain weight part. My stats are pretty similar to yours, and I’m pretty happy the size I am. I want to just start eating normally again, but I have no idea what “normal” is anymore! I’m afraid that the day I start counting calories, start paying attention to my body and quit being so militant about what and when I eat, I’ll gain a ton of weight. Hopefully we can help eachother out in getting over these stupid, irrational fears. You should be so proud of yourself for buying bigger clothes though! I look forward to more posts!

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