Fa Fa Fa Feeeeeeelingsssss

December 16, 2008 at 12:44 am 2 comments

Well, dinner is not quite going as planned. I had intended to make AND eat a beef chili – I wanted lots of leftovers for my fiancee and I to eat on wednesday night when I have therapy after work and don’t get home until 7:45 (no time to cook!). Well, being that I was out of the office all day, and my meal plan was “off” I am still making it, but am not eating it tonight (the fiancee is out, so I can eat what I wish). I’m trying hard not to let ED win this battle, but it looks like he is 😦 The chili is bubbling away on the stove, but I’m eating a sweet potato, baked chicken, and cooked spinach for dinner (my “safe” meal). I mean, its still delicious, I love all three of those things, but I know it’s what ED wants to eat tonight, not me. BUT, I was successful in that I had a very ed-free day food wise. I had my regular oatmeal with almond butter for breakfast, a luna bar as a snack, and for lunch I had a (quite large) ace bakery walnut and raisin roll, with a cup of soup, and a piece of decadent cake. It was truly worth it (the cake that is). I was so proud of myself for eating it, and how I managed to push aside the guilt and just be content. Which leads me to my discussion of the day.
MY biggest struggle in recovery, and with my eating disorder in general, is that I hate feeling “uncomfortable”. I’ve been working on this issue a lot with my therapist, and we’ve come to the conclusion that, all though life I’ve felt uncomfortable. I had a miserable childhood, I was physically and emotionally abused through all of it, my mom was a drug addict, and my family riddled with alcoholics. Through my eating disorder, I learned how to make myself feel “comfortable” through food – I’m talking physically (emotionally too, but more so physically). I’ve come to a point where I do NOT like the feeling of food in my stomach. I DESPISE feeling full, and I love being hungry. When I am full, I am uncomfortable, and my eating disorder helps me control the uncomfortable feelings. I also hate being uncomfortable in all other respects, not food related, which I can use my eating disorder to deal with as well (i.e. getting out of uncomfortable situations where I’d rather be at home alone by ED telling me that I need to go and exercise, or eat my “own food”, if that makes any sense). Part of my recovery is learning to deal with feeling uncomfortable, both food related and not. I hate being full. I hate it so much. But I need to learn how to just “sit” with the feeling, and not go run it off the next morning.

Regarding “rules” – someone (in a post) said they have to drink a bottle of water before breakfast. ME TOO. I do it everyday, or I feel I won’t get my 8 glasses in. I know this is an ed habit, but is this a bad habit to break?

For those of you in recovery, what “ed-related” habit are you trying to break? (the hardest one the break that is!)


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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Laura  |  December 16, 2008 at 1:35 am

    Oh gosh, feeling full is one of the worst feelings to me. I CAN’T sit still when I eat a big meal..I need to constantly be moving until I start to feel hungry again.
    That is why I prefer snacking. I spread my meal plan out so I have a lot of snack throughout the whole day. I know in a way this is letting ED win, but I’m getting the nourishment I need, and everyone has different eating habits right?

    The only reason I would find it necessary to cut the water in the morning habit is if it is making you less hungry for breakfast. If you are going to eat the same amount regardless of the water intake or not, I don’t see a problem with keeping it.

    I would post a few ED related habits, but I find that sometimes when one person with an ED reads about other’s habits…they tend to pick up on them! Story of my (treatment) life.

  • 2. Jenn  |  December 16, 2008 at 2:53 am

    i definitely can relate to hating the feeling of being full!! i used to have a really bad tendency of eating just until i wasn’t STARVING anymore (basically just eating to make my stomach shut up) but slowly i’ve been focusing on eating until I’m satisfied and yes, at times… full. It’s really difficult but it’s something I’m working on too so i’m definitely with you there girl!! what is it that we hate about being full anyways?? it just means your tummy is content and thankful for giving it just the right amount of food that it needs… i think the most important thing is just focusing on making your stomach satisfied.. not feeding it too much and making it feel stuffed, and not feeding it too little to the point where it needs more. I guess this is all a part of forming that healthy relationship with your body when you can listen to you belly and NOT your ED!

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