Question on “manners”

Yes I use quotes a lot. No reason why, haha. Ok so I’m new to this whole blogging thing, my question is, do you have to ASK a blogger to put their site on your blogroll, or do you just do it?!

Is it rude to not ask? Silly question I know.

(part of my eating disorder is always feeling guilty and worrying about making people angry with me – probably stems from my childhood abuse, actually, I know it does).

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December 13, 2008 at 3:59 pm 7 comments

First Post!

So, being my first post, I have no idea what to say! I feel like I didn’t describe enough about myself in my “about me” section, so with time (as I think of things) I will give you all more information in my posts! I will occasionally post pictures, and am happy to answer any questions from readers. I guess I should just jump right into my day?

Where to start. Well this morning was not so great. Last night I was completely drained of energy, and had PLANNED to cook a healthy dinner for my fiancee and I. Didn’t happen. I can tell you exactly why I was drained of energy, I was fighting ed with all my strength. Let me start from the beginning. I did not exercise yesterday morning, I resisted ED’s call and slept in (and it felt awesome!). I should clarify that “exercise” always means run. I only run. On my walk to work, I popped into starbucks to get some coffee (its damn cold in Canada!) – and what did I see? A PUMPKIN SCONE. I love pumpkin scones, but also happen to know that they have 470 calories each. “Recovery me” said “get one! you deserve it!” so I did. I had no idea when I planned to eat it, but I had that stupid pumpkin scone sitting in my purse all day. Around 4:00 (I was not even hungry!!) ED reminded me of the scone in my purse, and told me that theres NO WAY I could eat it. “Recovery me” convinced myself (does that make sense? haha) that I should eat it, because normal eating means sometimes eating because things taste good. So I ate it. Well, come 8:30 I was still full from the scone and have weird rules about not wanting to eat/cook when I’m not absolutley starving (really working on that!). So I had no energy, been fighting ED ever since I ate the scone. So my fiancee suggested we order thai food. I ordered a healthy sweet n’sour tofu dish, and had a couple bites of his pad thai. Fine. Theres nothing wrong with that. Apparently ED thought there was, and this morning I woke up bright and early (hungry!) and forced myself to run, despite having a slight headache from hunger. BAD BAD. Why do I do this? One minute I am SO motivated to recover, and feel like I am doing so well with my eating and (controlling the amount) of exercise, and the next I’m totally punishing myself! Anyways, I’m sitting here now, its 10:30 pm, and I’ve run 4 miles, walked my puppy (shes so cute, I’ll post a pic soon!) and had breakfast. I feel this strange sense of accomplishment because I’ve completed so much and its only 10:30, but I KNOW thats ed speaking, because all I did this morning was punish myself!

Breakfast is a whole new issue itself. I am so conflicted. I do have a favourite breakfast, I don’t eat it because its low calorie, but because it tastes so darn good! I also know that it will keep me full for a solid 3 hours and I don’t have to snack until lunch (thats ed speaking). I never eat anything else. If your curious, its a bowl of oatmeal (of course!!) with a big tbsp of almond butter and cinnamon. mmm. I know its healthy, and theres nothing wrong with eating your favourite breakfast often, but I can’t decide whether my eating oatmeal everyday is ed speaking, or me speaking. Agh!! I feel sometimes I can’t tell the two apart! For anyone else in recovery, how do you learn what is ED, and what is “normal”? I am so confused. I don’t see my therapist again until wednesday, I wish I could see her more than once a week, but I’m saving for my wedding! (which is next summer, ahhhh!!! so excited).

Anyways, thats all I can think of for now. I’m going christmas shopping this afternoon, which will be nice, despite the fact that its -12 degrees out (ok with the windchill, but thats still pretty cold!!). I love christmas shopping in the city. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that I live right downtown in a middle of “the” city in Canada 😉 (not to offend anyone, but its the best!). You may have noticed that I don’t give too much information out about myself – I really would like to keep privacy, I don’t want my boss, friends, or anyone else learning about my problems. I am trying to deal with this on my own for the time being (with the help of select loved ones), and will discuss it with others when I feel ready.

I don’t know how often I’ll post, once a day for sure, maybe more sometimes, if I have something to discuss. I’ll be back later I’m sure with some pics!!

December 3, 2008 at 11:54 am 1 comment

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